The Plight of the #BrokeBoyz

Back in the summer 2014, I was a newly-single, 24 year old, with no job, living off a healthy college refund check. Minimal-responsibilities-mami. This was also the summer I tested out the"dating" app, that was growing in popularity--Tinder. Besides the usual creep, or two, Tinder connected me with a bunch of good guys (including my current boyfriend), with great jobs, who were well-mannered and wanted to go on dates with me. On the flip side, It also magnified an insecurity I didn't even know I was struggling with--job insecurity. I noticed I started to dread those intro conversations because the inevitable "what do you do?" question was always asked and at the time, I knew no lofty or sophisticated way to say "I'm unemployed, finding myself...but I have this fashion blog!", so I tried to avoid the question all together.  When my job status did come up, it was always a relief that it really didn't change their views about me; I was still the same interesting person they wanted to go out with.

Now, here's the thing: #Brokeboyz are not given the same kind of leniency. Because most unemployed guys are aware of the negative connotation assigned with "unemployed" and "man" in the same sentence, they tend to:

(a) overcompensate by spending money (or credit) they barely have on dates to impress a potential suitor
(b) become defensive about the dating standards of their potential suitor (because they cannot afford it)
(c) go "ghost" or give the bare minimum effort (like free peen) to avoid a real connection that may lead to longevity (because longevity in dating gets expensive)
(d) try their best, with what they have, but constantly struggle with whether or not their financials are adequate.
(e) date someone who doesn't require much effort
(f)  don't date at all

Obviously none of these options are the best case scenarios but these are the likely (re)actions of dating while broke...for men. From my experience, dating while broke was a bit of an inconvenience, but it definitely wasn't impossible; societal gender norms, in this case, worked in my favor. There were moments when I felt guilty knowing that I was going to spend zero dollars--excluding transportation-- because I'm an (attractive) woman (I also learned physical attraction plays a part in a man's generosity), whether or not I had a job. Other times, I felt nothing and just charged it to the game. I empathize with a man's frustration for not being afforded the same opportunity. But... On the other hand, I feel like a hypocrite for also wanting #brokeboyz to stay away from me. I wouldn't be excited to be with a broke boy, regardless of my financial situation. Who wants double the struggle? not me. In that same breath, I can understand if a financially sound man wasn't excited about dating a women who didn't have her coins together. It absolutely works both ways.      

So what are the alternatives? should broke men simply not date because of societal pressures? Can we, as a society, be more understanding of their plight? Should women be held to the same standard? Honestly, I don't know. I don't know if there is a clear answer. I, however, do know their is no fair answer, because the dating expectations of women, from my experience, just isn't dependent on the money she initially brings to the table.  My mentor always says "dating is a luxury"...treat it as such. So, if you ever find yourself having to choose between a necessity, like paying a bill on time or going to that fancy restaurant you saw your crush tweet about--you probably shouldn't be dating, anyway.

fin.

The Mediocre Man Flourish

For every three guys who are complete trash at dating and relationships, there's a guy completely benefiting and being praised for doing the bare minimum; aka the 'mediocre man flourish'. The mediocre man flourish is simply the act of doing just enough for a girl who unfortunately hasn't been courted properly to know the difference between effort and plain ol' decency.

For example, because she isn't used to a guy initiating plans, mediocre man looks like Romeo because he made a reservation and actually showed up on time. Or because she's used to "text me when you get home" remarks after an outing, mediocre man looks like a rare breed  because he put her in a cab and called her to make sure she made it in safe. Or, my favorite, because she's used to lackluster "wyd" texts all the damn time, mediocre man seems like a interesting human because he asks relevant questions pertaining to her life. So evolutionary. 

The mediocre man clever laziness is co-dependent on two factors: 1. A woman who doesn't require  much or challenges him. 2.The lazy man who does far less. If those two factors remain, the mediocre man's flourish will never be challenged because people will only focus their attention on the aforementioned. It's kind of genius--- but not really because I see what's going on.

In short, you're not low, 'mediocre man.' Your flourish is lazy and should be considered a starting point, not the finish line.  

fin.

What Do You Require?

Story time.

Someone in a "dating funk" once asked me dating advice about choosing better. I asked one question:
"What do you require?"
They said "nothing".
We both laughed and I replied "OK, there's the real problem"
At the time, I didn't even realize what a loaded question I was asking. Before answering "what do you require", I think you have to know where does your requirements stem from? What does that LOOK like? Who are those examples?

My mom told me a (long winded) story about her eventful morning. My sister woke up late and needed a ride to the train. My mom, being a mom, dropped my sister off, with just her hairnet and house slippers and without her phone, wallet, house keys, etc. She drops my sister off in time but on her way back, her car (Benz) starts jerking because she needs gas. After making it to the gas station by the skin of her teeth, she remembers she has no money or phone on her. What does she do you ask? She used the gas station man's phone to call my dad.

My dad shows up looking equally nuts in PJs and dress shoes (first shoes he could find?) in a BMW to save the day...Only to realize he, too, didn't have cash. So, at this point, I'm picturing both of them with mad morning face, dressed nuts, in their luxury cars with no cash, at 5 am. I LOL'ed. After finding an ATM, he tells my mom to stay in the car, and he'll pump her gas. It's freezing. He's freezing. But he pumps her gas. Now her tire is low. Face palm. He tells her pull around and he'll do the tire next. His hands are ice at this point so he can barely unscrew the cap. After basically wasting the air, he said that he has a device at home and he'll do it there. They go home and he thaws his hands on the stove for a few minutes and goes back outside to put air in my mom's tire. My mom is watching from the window and sees him struggling so she goes outside to try to help but he doesn't let her and insists she goes back inside. She told me she went back upstairs and cried out of appreciation and prayed that God gives my sisters and I men who wouldn't think twice about doing the same for us.

My parents show me what effort and reciprocity in a partnership looks like, so my requirements stem from their example.

fin.